Long for .

You know what, when people say they miss me, I don't think that is even true.


Because I think I'm just not worth the longing.

Because nothing is more bitter than losing the sense of belonging.

It has been a week.
I've promised myself that I won't be counting days, but I just miss back home so much.

It's not the distance that's bothering me, it's the package of loneliness that comes within.

I know it seemed that I'm always alone.
Well maybe because it doesn't take much for me to feel content.

But right now, it feels kinda empty.
Hollow.

I know I'll get over this soon. But I just hope that soon will be sooner.


But what if I got over it all together?


That thought scares me more than this loneliness.
Because nothing is more bitter than losing the sense of belonging.

Sure .

I was very sure that this is what I want.

Now,
I'm not sure if I can stand being apart from them.

Guten Morgen

So recently I was offered to participate in this one student exchange program to Germany. As for that, we have to take a crash German Language course for 2 months in UKM. So yeah, it has started since last Monday, and would last till the very last moment before we fly off to Deutschland.

Well so far, it's been quite brain cracking. Learning a new language is more or less like adjusting your brain to accept a brand new err Oxygen? I've lived my whole life learning to converse in Malay and English (in which both are not quite up to the par yet), and now digesting a third language, well for my own good.

I actually have zero expectation to the class, and to Germany as well. I've always been disgraced by own visions towards things. So leaving it to the work of fate and reality, I am more contented with what I face and receive at the end.

So yeah that's pretty much about stuff. Lol I write such long emails to people, but can't even get elongate a supposed-to-be long journal. Tschus.

.

To be honest, by this time,  I'm expecting someone like you to have taken off already. To leave. Just like how the others did.

But you didn't. You stayed. And I am beyond surprised but yet happy that this is actually happening.


But even if you do leave, I am actually very much prepared for that.

If you're reading this,

in which I know you are, just letting you know that suddenly I feel I miss having you around so much. You take a very good care of yourself over there okay, in which again, I know you're doing a very good job at.

I'll see you when I see you :')

Zones.

So while I was not studying, I came up with this theory on classifying the levels of acknowledgement on secrets and privacy. Or the imaginary lines in relationships or friendships that grant you the right to intervene the other party's confidential area. So it goes like this;

1) The Stranger Zone

So the title says it all. This is the zone where you and the other party are basically strangers or acquaintances. There is no interest in digging for each other's secrecy or personal matter. Could also be called the “Don't Care” zone.

2) The Friend Zone

Unlike the typically defined "Friend Zone", this zone is actually the level where you and the other party are normal friends. It is when each other meets and greets one another hello and goes all friendly yaday yaday. And there's a desire to know what is revolving in the other party's life. This desire is usually more of curiosity rather than intimacy. You believe that knowing it could clench your curiosity, and you'd probably have something to talk (gossip) about with other friends. Or better, to use their life story as an inspiration or motivation. Could also involve celebrities, sportsmen or politicians.

3) So Close yet So Far

This one is a tricky yet unknowingly common. This is the part where both parties are practically very close physically and mentally, but yet there's a strange distance emotionally, causing it hard to open up to one another. This unwilling desire to be completely transparent to one another is probably due to the belief that knowing too much could ruin the closeness, and crossing the line of privacy would cross off the line of the relationship. There are possible reasons to this thinking. One of it is probably due to the intellectual tension between one another, causing them not wanting the other party to smell the weaknesses or unravel the negative traits that they posses. On the bright side, this is actually good to maintain the competency or dynamism of what the relationship is benefiting, as this type of relationship usually comprises of two parties with mutual interest in achieving the same goal or objective. But this type of knot would not work well once the objective is off the table. This is the best example to distinguish the difference between intimacy and closeness. Commonly occurr in workplaces, colleges or organizations.

4) Up Close & Personal

This is the zone where two parties could easily open up to one another without hesitation. Both parties are connected well emotionally and not afraid to be judged by one another. But there's a catch, as this kind of relationship is usually not attached to other factors of closeness such as work or studies. This is due to the fact that intimacy of this knot could be easily shattered by the coarseness of other vivid values because let's face it, emotional attachments are very much imaginary and incomputable. Very often than not, this relationship usually occurs in marriages, close friendships and also shrinks (?). 

5) Soul Mates

The high achieving zone where your partner in crime is also your partner in pretty much every event and occasion. Both parties could comfortably work as a team but at the same time, have an emotional bond that is not capable to be torn down by other countable aspects. This type of bond would make a good family business and partnerships. 

So, which of the ones that you're involved in?


p/s: Final exams in 48 hours.

The Engineered Reception Counter

Sometimes, well for my case, most of the times, we want to own every single thing that matter to us. Our favourite thing, favourite song, favourite apparels, favourite people, favourite food, favourite situations. But once we got a hold on those things, those people, placed in that very situation we await, we just don't seem to nurture it well enough. There'll always be regret and silly thoughts come rushing into our minds afterwards. Those flashes of things that we could have done, should have done, must have done.

But really, have we not actually done enough?

Well for me, I can never get enough of everything that has occurred in my life. 20 years standing on this very Earth, I can't seem to actually achieve what I really longed for. Well most of the times are because I never knew what I wanted in the first place. For some other times, when I'm actually able to grab those success or items that I wanted, there'll always be whispers questioning my ability and strength, also whether I truly deserve those opportunities that are laying upon my sight.

And this would result in either two paths, that I would actually prove those voices wrong and go on and work hard for what I wanted, or I'll just back down and watch other people attempting for the same goal. I have that black part of myself that believes "If you know you're gonna end up losing and beaten, why bother giving a shot?" I can actually realise that this whisper has began to fade out, but sometimes in means of being competitive, I rather pull off than being gambled by acknowledging the chances of failing.

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On the side note, for these past few years, I begin to realise the fact of the impermanence. Things are not meant to work forever, words are not going to hurt nor cheer forever, achievements and success are not going to last forever, attitude and behaviours are not going to be constant forever, and most importantly, people are not going to stay forever. Stay is not defined by the period of time, but the function of presence. Years of acquainting and knowing and understanding (ecehh) human beings and their nature of coming and going has actually created this 'counter' in my inner self, in which I should name "The Engineered Reception Counter" (?)

Well it works pretty much like the usual hotels' check in check out counter, except that it has a feature where you can actually estimate the height and width of the wall that you should build for each person that checks in and out. Well this measurement depends on how much has that person affects your life, level of closeness, and perhaps some additional details that could add in to the potential of attachment.

Funny thing, most of the people that I'm close with today have first started with a thought in my mind, saying "You and me my friend, would be good companies someday. You just see" and again for most cases, it happens. Some take longer time, longer as in years and months, and some happen very abruptly.

Gosh I could ramble on and on for hours, well maybe because in here nobody would actually ask you to stop lol. 'Till the next one.

Get A Grip

Can't help but saying that you're such a bad influence on me. But hey, you do bring out the best in me, that side that was very much insignificant before. I don't even know that I could reach that ceiling up high. I never knew I could speak my mind that loud. I never knew I could have those joy and excitement that much.

I gotta get a grip, some self control, some balance, some senses, some introversion. But hell,


I'm never letting this go. Hopefully.

Drift

I have to admit that it bumps me a little that you are leaving. I know it won't be long until you get back, but the idea of separation scares me. Because if it's not you that'll change, 

it's me.

And I hate changing, I hate changes. 

Just when things started to become comfortable, they just drift apart. The usuals become the unusual. Comfortable silences just become those awkward pauses, with both trying to fill in the breaks, acting casual and calm but the truth is, it's just different.

Because we are not who we were. Perhaps we're just the doppelgängers of our past.