For just who you are

It is a wonderful feeling
Having someone to adore you, admire you

For just who you are

Nothing more, nothing less

For just who you are

And in a perfect world

You’ll have my eyes to see you

You’ll have my mind to adore you

And you’ll have my words to admire you

For you

For just who you are

Makes so much sense to me

For just who i am

Toy

I lose count on how many times have you utterly disappoint me. Am i that much of a toy that you just happily play around along with your indecisive childish act?

I love you very much, but please just stop and grow.

Cassette Player

Suddenly I remembered a story way back when i was 10 years old, there were salesmen coming to the school to sell books and nasyid albums. That time, I got my eyes on this UNIC album (cassette), but it was kinda expensive, about RM17.90. Hell, I was 10 years old, in 2003, so it was a big deal! I told the salesmen that I will come again tomorrow, with the money I would ask from my mom.

But when I got home, I was so scared of asking my mom for the money to buy that cassette. Perhaps when I was growing up, my mom did not really spoil me with so much of objects and materials. So what I did was, I took out my poorly locked tabung, and started counting coins of 10sen 20sen 50sen up to RM17.90. I don't remember how exactly, but I managed to drew out notes of RM1, and actually purchased the cassette that worth RM17,90, using RM1 notes.

So I was happy yaday yaday I got music in my hand yaday yaday, and can't wait to put it on. But there was a slight problem,

my house didn't have a cassette player.


Sooo I thought oh maybe my mom has a cassette player inside her car. Which means,

I have to actually tell my mom about my purchase.


So I built up the courage. and told my mom about the cassette. I don't know why I was expecting her to yell at me, but she was taking it cool, and actually helped me to look for a cassette player. After searching for the whole night around the house and in the store rooms, we didn't manage to find one. So I was thinking yeah it's fine, I just wasted RM17.90 for nothing but yeah whatever.

On the next day, school went on as usual yaday yaday, but when I got back, guess what was laying on my study table,


A new cassette player.


I love my mom.

O.O.H

Things are getting out of hand.


And I just can't think of anyone who cared enough to acknowledge this.

The best moments are always the shortest.

I've been looking for the perfect word to describe myself for the past 2 weeks. At first I wanted to go with Broken. Some other time I would rather choose Crumbled. Perhaps Shattered. But truth is, I have no idea. I'm just sad, too much more than I could bear.

I know it's stupid. You don't go around meeting new friends, getting too comfortable and attached, and at the end, just like any other cases, getting torn apart anyway. I know that. I've lived with that. But you know, sometimes when life shows you a little piece of mercy, and fondness, and tenderness, you seek comfort in that. You wrap that warmth around yourself. You shelter yourself underneath that affection. Because you know, it's rare. Because you know very well that this don't come often. So you make the best out of it. And not that you're not aware that it's temporary, you're just not aware how much you'd feel lost without it.

I know it's stupid. But I was just too comfortable with this existence of intimacy.

And now, at times, it's just unbearable. When you walk around the very same scene, same environment, same space, but it's just not what it used to be anymore. Haunted. Pieces of memories being glued down at every corner of this area, making you feel like you're being imprisoned in your very own mind. Luckily, I have many supporting friends. But what unlucky is how these friends can't seem to see how much this is affecting me. Maybe I don't let them see, trying to cover their eyes from unraveling the weaker side of myself. But what else is there to do? Pouring my heart out, and for what? And I'm not even keen to hear what they were to say, because I've already known every single answer and feedback there is. But still, I can't help myself from feeling sad. A heart is a fragile and vulnerable piece of muscle, and it does what it wants to do. But seriously Heart, pulling all my energy away and splitting my soul apart for this are not really doing any good, for the both of us.

There is this one question I'm still needing answer: What am I supposed to do? Just tell me, because I'm running out of ideas. And I'm lacking the energy to search for one. 

Things would never be the same, no matter how fortunate I am in the future. I just wanna live in the moment, that moment. But that moment has passed, and I'm doing everything I can to get through it.

"Meeting someone is like reading a chapter in book. When the chapter is over, we move on to the next one. Don't stretch a chapter into a book."

How unfortunate, when the best moments are always the shortest.

Blerghh

I don't like how people act differently when other people are around. Hypocrisy is too strong of a word. Maybe pretentious would suit better.

I don't like how people disregard someone else's presence. And then come running back apologizing for the ignorance.

I don't like how often people lurk themselves into problems, involve themselves into troubles. And then come searching for some shoulders to cry on, some umbrellas to shade under. Sometimes it's sympathetic, but hey, that's a little bit pathetic, don't you think?

I don't like how people often know what are best for them, yet somehow choosing the opposite, and hoping someone else would drag them out of the shit they've gotten themselves into. Or worse, placing blames up and around like some kind of charity.


And my utmost disappointment, is how often I engage myself with these kind of people, how often I got myself all infected in this circle of madness, how often I sprinkle my fondness onto this species.

And I'm very much blaming myself for that.

And people often say I'm cold. These are why.

New is always better.

"New is always better."

I have yet to test Mr Stinson's rule on this one. But perhaps indirectly we all, at some points in life, have already experimented this theory. Yes. New is always better, in so many ways. Perhaps it's the rush of getting to know fresh new things makes it seem more exciting and enjoyable. Perhaps it's the rush of meeting someone new, making us able to start a new version or identity of ourselves. Perhaps it's the uncanny comfort from these new things makes us feel special and unique for once because yeah let's face it, we seek to become special. We always want to be different in some ways or another. For us all with such low self esteem, there's nothing better than that feeling of superiority once in a while, at least just over ourselves.

Perhaps some of us seek for a brand new environment as an escapism from the old one. Maybe there are some points in life where we realise that people around us aren't really living the life we ought ourselves to be living. Maybe we're already too far ahead to change, to come again together with the roots we used to breed in. Maybe there comes a point in life when 'Leave' is actually a valid exit.

"The grass ain't greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it"

Some might see that we're just too weak, too coward to endure a little difference and change. Some would force us to stay, to calibrate, to fix the situation we're facing. But how do we fix something that's not broken? How do we calibrate something that's not lost? How do we stay somewhere that can't home our souls?

“I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth, then I ask myself the same question.”

If one day, when strange is the new comfort, when silence is the new company, when memory is the new poison, then yes, new is somehow better.

New is always better.

I think I am the very definition of selfish.

I think I am the very definition of selfish.

I am not interested in knowing what's happening in your life. But I will be, only if you're interested in mine in return. Because you don't own my sympathy and ears, and neither do I.

Then be it

"Maybe we're giving meaning to things that have no meaning. Maybe we're clinging to hope so hard that we forget about reality."

Many times have I addressed this very question to myself, the question of who I really am, or at least who I  want to be. And right now, I am more confused than I've ever been.

Sometimes I really wish there's more of myself. An identity that I could live by. Something deep inside that I could be proud of. I always wish that I could do more, think more, achieve more, experience more, explore more. There's the part of me that thirsts for some kind of satisfaction. But what is it? Where do I look for it? Have I got it already? If I had, then what's the cash? If I have not, then what's the price?

I really want to break this barrier around myself. That firewall that's been filtering my outgoing action, and incoming thoughts. Those big fat bricks that have been keeping me off doing things that really matter. I've always anticipate on how I despise pretentious people and their stupid addictions. But hey, what really are real anyway?

Right now, I'm trying to do what I do best: Living in the moment. I avoid clinging on to hope. I minimise my attachment to fate. I chase after things that make me really happy and joyous, and try as much discarding intoxicated events that have happened, or were about to happen. 20 years 157 days, and I'm tired of being poisoned by bitterness.

So if introversion makes me feel happy, then be it. If only listening to people I favour and responding with awkward gestures makes me feel happy, then be it. Or if laughing and clapping like a sea lion around my favourite people makes me happy, then be it. If perhaps studying makes me feel happy, then be it.

And hey, if avoiding people I despise makes me happy, then I'm sorry, it's supposed to be done. You know I'm not worth a fraction of your time, and I don't think I'd even try to turn that around. So let's all be a doll, and let it be.

Let me do this my way. And if I'm wrong along the way, I would always appreciate a sweet reminder.




One drawback from being unoccupied, I'll start to over-think.

Deutschland

Guten Morgen. Guten Tag. Guten Abend.

So as of today, it has been 37 days since I've arrived in Germany. Currently we're in the good, calm city of Duisburg, and we have enrolled in the Universitat Duisburg-Essen. Hoping to explore more of Europe soon.

So far, things have been going on quite slow. I only sit for 4 subjects per week. Been spending most of the time in my flat. My flatmates are amazing by the way. I'm very surprised by how they are not exactly the same like how my fellow German teachers have described. During the preparatory classes, the Germans are often described as individualistic and intolerance. But frankly, they are all really friendly and hmmm normal .. ? Well there's always a way to crack a shell. And bravo, they are the ones that have cracked my thick, shy, loner one. In addition to their keen understanding on my religious boundary, they are also very very friendly and open minded.

Home? Yeah I do miss Malaysia a lot. The first 2 weeks were really rough. I can't say whether it's the post menstrual syndrome and it's hormones that were fooling around with my emotion, or it was just me not having myself well adjusted yet. But it's a lot better now.

I'm still having problems adjusting with the weather and time tho. April was mere bipolar. One day it was very hot, and the next day it just rained all day long. Now it's May, and the weather starting to appear more stable and constant. Summer is coming, so the day is getting longer. Subuh is at 3.30am and Maghrib is at 9.30pm. Whadduppp. I really should be preparing myself for Ramadhan. It shouldn't be so hard .. Well. Yeah.

Food is fine I guess. Lucky for me, I'm not such a big sucker for Malaysian food. Well as long as it's tasty, it's already fine by me. The menu at the Uni's cafe is quite a spread. They always have Vegan menu, and fish! Still, it's quite a hassle finding Halal food in the supermarket. Most of the time, we just buy the groceries in the Turkish Market, in which is located quite a lot in Duisburg. But if I do shop in the usual supermarket, I'll try to read the (German language) labels, or just go with the instinct. Having a phone with internet connection comes in really handy. You could always search for the name of the product or it's ingredients to understand the content. So far so good, but ahaa it makes grocery shopping a field trip of 2-3 hours.

Deutsch? Still a big, massive problem. I have one class in German language. During the first 2 lectures, we did attempt on understanding the content and notes. But then we stopped caring. It's just too much of a mind boggling. I'm very thankful that my cool flatmates speak good and adequate English. And I myself have been learning to speak proper English with not so much of Manglish grammar and influence. So far so hard. But yeah it'll get better. But the thing is, my Deutsch is so bad. And I'm not really doing much on improvising it. Because in order for you to be good in a language, you have to practice it. A lot. And despite the elongated grammatical rules that Deutsch possess, I just hate doing something I'm bad at.

The others are not so vital I guess. Oh Germany has an incredible transportation system. A bit complicated, but it really could get you to pretty much anywhere easily. Living cost is quite okay (as long as you don't convert, in which is hard for me because my head is all about the math). Security is really good. And trustworthy is really impressive as well. There was once when the train was jam-packed, but nobody was sitting in the VIP area even though it was wide open. Normally we will start comparing this kind of situation with Malaysia, but I believe we also have other weights that not even Germany can top on (eg. FOOD, food, food, teh tarik, food, roti canai, food, etc.)

I really am looking forward to embracing more of this culture. I find it strange when you go to a foreign country but keep avoiding the locals and judging them for what you don't know. Or even worse, seeing something nice abroad and start comparing its greatness to your home country.

For all I know, anywhere could be the best, as long as the recipe and mixture is right.

Bis dann.