Then be it

"Maybe we're giving meaning to things that have no meaning. Maybe we're clinging to hope so hard that we forget about reality."

Many times have I addressed this very question to myself, the question of who I really am, or at least who I  want to be. And right now, I am more confused than I've ever been.

Sometimes I really wish there's more of myself. An identity that I could live by. Something deep inside that I could be proud of. I always wish that I could do more, think more, achieve more, experience more, explore more. There's the part of me that thirsts for some kind of satisfaction. But what is it? Where do I look for it? Have I got it already? If I had, then what's the cash? If I have not, then what's the price?

I really want to break this barrier around myself. That firewall that's been filtering my outgoing action, and incoming thoughts. Those big fat bricks that have been keeping me off doing things that really matter. I've always anticipate on how I despise pretentious people and their stupid addictions. But hey, what really are real anyway?

Right now, I'm trying to do what I do best: Living in the moment. I avoid clinging on to hope. I minimise my attachment to fate. I chase after things that make me really happy and joyous, and try as much discarding intoxicated events that have happened, or were about to happen. 20 years 157 days, and I'm tired of being poisoned by bitterness.

So if introversion makes me feel happy, then be it. If only listening to people I favour and responding with awkward gestures makes me feel happy, then be it. Or if laughing and clapping like a sea lion around my favourite people makes me happy, then be it. If perhaps studying makes me feel happy, then be it.

And hey, if avoiding people I despise makes me happy, then I'm sorry, it's supposed to be done. You know I'm not worth a fraction of your time, and I don't think I'd even try to turn that around. So let's all be a doll, and let it be.

Let me do this my way. And if I'm wrong along the way, I would always appreciate a sweet reminder.




One drawback from being unoccupied, I'll start to over-think.