Passive

Peace be upon you lovely people :)

It's 1.30am in the morning. Well as mentioned before Imma tell you quite a few stuff about how's Mayah Mino hanging around lately. Nothing much, same old same old. It's boring actually, I'm missing the fast phase back in school, when everything is all planned and there you are having to catch up with each bit. I'm not being ungrateful. I am/was a cadet when I growing up, I receive orders, and work it out to perfection. I don't usually make decisions and throw myself all over the places. I always want, need plans to help me keeping up with life. If not, I'll be like a, ntah, I have nothing to compare myself to. I don't even recognise myself anymore. Okay maybe things around me are moving so fast. I'm already in college, I'll be 18 in no time. Things do change, but not me I guess. I'm still me, the same old me like when I'm 16 or younger. I need change, but I'm always afraid of changing. That's why I said I don't really recognise myself anymore, I don't know what I want. That could be either good or bad.

Maybe lately I've been spending too much time alone. In college. I barely talk more than 10 consequent minutes to anyone daily. Not that I'm isolating myself from people, but it's just that there's this one big wall built inside my brain saying "TALKING TO ANYONE WON'T DO ANY GOOD, WASTE OF TIME, GO STUDY". I'm a robot. I wake up in the morning, pray, take my shower, have my breakfast, study, go to class, study, back to apartment, shower, dinner, study, sleep. Every single day since I've started sem2. I'm chasing things that I barely knew. God knows what that means.

Not to brag, but back in school if somebody asks who Mayah is, people will answer "oh that cadet who's always jumping everywhere, always in multiple places at once, handy with things, music lover, the frontman, busy with everything but still manages to do pretty well in exam" But now if you ask who Mayah is, people will probably answer "oh that passive girl who always sits at the front of the class, always into her homework, and speaks weird English" or maybe some don't even know Mayah at all.

I keep making college sounds so bad, aren't I? It's not actually, maybe I just have to figure out how to get hold on things around here. People always say college would be our sweetest memory of all phases, but I haven't even seen the tip of it yet. Yeah yeah you could brag to small kids, saying you're already in college, school is for fool yadayadayaday. But not me, I love school, in fact I love it so much that maybe I would give up college to be back in school all over again. I love learning History, I love Geographic, Bahasa is my expertise and Mathematics were always fun and exciting. I miss how teachers and educators would teach us passionately to make us understand the subject, making the best of their wage to help us score. I miss marching, I miss giving out commands, do push ups and rounds. I miss debating, I miss brainstorming with the them mates, have deep conversations every now and then. But the most important thing is, I miss how I feel good about myself. I miss how there're always rooms for trying and chances worth taking.

You can call me pathetic and miserable, you might have pretty cool college tales to tell your children later. But not me, maybe not yet, but I don't like to wait, I hate waiting.

I'm not asking to wake up tomorrow in a school uniform, but hmmm I don't know. I seriously don't know what I want.

'Till the better post. Take care people :)



"...inspiration has run dry, that's what's going on..."